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"Vanilla" is a term used frequently by those, into more or less alternative lifestyles, for those, who - according to them - are not. The question however is, does "vanilla" actually exist and isn't vanilla actually the new sexual minority?
Let's face it: the we-get-married-live-happily-ever-after have-sex-2.5-times-per-week couple is rapidly becoming a rare phenonomemum in our modern society. Sex before marriage (almost unthinkable fifty years ago) is the current norm. Usually with multiple partners. Especially in the United States teenage mothers still in high school is no longer an exception (not meaning to say that this a a good sign!). More than half of the United States marriages end up in a divorce and this has brought us a new term: "serial monogamy". "Till death do us part" is a vow not many people will stick to these days and if they do it is far from uncommon to engage in such things as threesomes, swinging or simply do what modern day therapists call "spicing up your sexlife".
Is all this "uncommon" or "abnormal"? In terms of evolution actually not. In the end the human species is a mamal and monogomous mamals are indeed very rare. To a point there is evolutionairy logic to becoming pregnant as soon as you can. Why else would nature create fertility at a young age? Give a bonobo (an ape) a pencil and it is likely to draw a penis (yes they can and will, as scientific research has proven). And on the evolutionary calender of mankind things such as monogamy or even marriage make up for less than the last five minutes of that calender.
Can you honestly say you have never engaged in anything kinky?
There is no scientific research to provide a solid answer to that question. But my guess is that in our modern Western society very few people can honestly say they never have. In the current Internet age many - if not most - people at the very least have taken a (sneak)peak at porn-sites, engaged in an erotic chat or even exchanged some steamy email. Exposed belly buttons and navel piercings are common fashion statements and so are spiked leather collars, high heels, short skirts, revealing blouses and push-up bras. Not mention botox and breast implants.
Yes, a breast implant is a form of kinky sex. In the kinky world it is called body manipulation and in fact no different from a tattoo, a piercing, a branding or a scar. What actually is the difference between wearing make up and wearing a sexy leather skirt?
The answer is: your own perception - nothing else.
There's an old joke: "A dirty mind is a joy forever". As in most jokes there is wisdom in this one. The brain is the biggest sex organ. Some would argue it actually is the only one. And that is the whole point. Your own perception is what drives you. And if you want to "hip", "avant garde" or tendsetter? Well, maybe becoming "vanilla" again might be a wise choice.
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Don’t let your premature ejaculation problems get you down and don’t wait for your disappointing sex life to ruin your relationship before checking out what you can do.
You shouldn’t be embarrassed to seek help for premature ejaculation as it’s a common problem that plagues many men.
If you only have a minor issue then there is no point seeking professional help but should instead try using distraction techniques as you near climax. Premature ejaculation is only considered a real issue if you cannot last more than 3 minutes.
If you are one of those that definitely fall into the category where premature ejaculation has a major negative impact on your sex life then there are several options to you especially if you are willing to seek professional help.
Anti depressant drugs are now being prescribed to help control premature ejaculation as it is widely known that they delay climax. This is not a route I would personally recommend due to the addictive nature of anti depressant drugs.
The Master-Johnson is based on a special penis grip which is commonly promoted as an effective means of controlling premature ejaculation as it reduces the desire to climax. It is a technique that really needs to be demonstrated to have the desired affect so it is advisable to seek expert help.
There is a new drug called ‘dapoxetine’ which is closely related to Prozac (currently in stage III trials) and reported to have a similar affect on premature ejaculation as anti depressant drugs. It does have some uncomfortable side affects such as dizziness, nausea and headaches and I would be concerned about any possible addictive nature. It is definitely worth trying self control techniques before going down this route.
Penile skin creams that contain topical anesthetics which dull sensation in the penis help some men control premature ejaculation. Unfortunately they can prove to be an irritant and can also dull the sensations of your partner.
Learning self control techniques, in my opinion, tend to top the list for controlling premature ejaculation being completely natural with no risk of side affects and, other than a little time, having no adverse impact on other aspects of your life.
At the end of the day there is a common consensus of opinion that there is no physical reason why premature ejaculation cannot be controlled and therefore is a case of mind over matter. That being the case it is far more preferable to learn to control premature ejaculation through a few basic techniques rather than resorting to the drugged up route that could have other significant downsides which might affect your work and your personal life.
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Have you ever thought to yourself, "My sex life would be so much better if my partner was a just little more/less _________"? Yes, you have. It's happened. Human beings are all unique, with all sorts of physical and psychological variations that aren't always ideal for the ultimate sex life. Don't despair, however! Technology has brought us leaps and bounds forward in the search for sexual pleasure. Sex toys are no longer limited to cheap, plastic, phallic-shaped things. There is a wide variety of fun, useful products designed to improve our personal, loving sex lives and strengthen our relationships. So if the man of your dreams just happens to be a little under par in the size department, or you find yourself wanting more than he can give, it doesn't mean you can't have ultimately satisfying sex. Read on…
Problem 1: "He's too small"
There are a few solutions to this problem, if indeed this is a problem at all. Many men who are below average size-wise have learned to use other parts of their body to their partner's grateful benefit. But if his little guy just isn't satisfying you, there are quite a few things to try. First, try different positions: let him take you from behind while you squeeze your legs together, or lie on your back with your knees at your chest and your feet over his shoulders. These positions allow deeper penetration, tighten your vaginal canal and increase sensation for both of you. You can also have him try a penis enhancer. These come in all sizes and shapes to lengthen, thicken, support, and satisfy whatever need you both may have. Third, work your PC muscles. A good set of Smartballs, an updated version of Ben-Wa balls, will strengthen and tighten your internal muscles. With your vaginal muscles primed and toned, you'll be amazed at how much more you'll feel during sex.
Problem 2: "He's too big"
Sorry to disillusion you, guys, but bigger isn't always better. A huge member doesn't always guarantee pleasure; it can often cause pain for women with tight or short vaginal canals. The best solution to this problem is lots of foreplay! Spend lots of time getting her excited using your hands or mouth. When she's ready, slather on a healthy dollop of lubricant and ease in slowly. Silicone-based lubes tend to work best for easing the friction of a tight fit. If he's really long, try a set of penis donuts. These fit tightly at the base of the penis so he'll still receive stimulation, but they're wide enough keep him from going further in than she's comfortable with. Some positions to try: her on top, so she's in complete control of penetration and speed. Side-by-side also limits how deeply he can penetrate.
Problem 3: "He wants it all the time"
If your partner is always after you for sex, and you're never "in the mood," you may be setting yourself up for some serious long-term relationship problems. Try not to think of this as his problem; there are a number of solutions you can enact that can directly affect you. Some things to try:
*Make sure you're keeping a healthy sleep schedule – Not enough sleep leads to a reduction in testosterone, the hormone that gives you a healthy libido.
*Take active responsibility for your sex drive – Figure out what turns you on, don't leave it to your partner to guess. When you pinpoint what gets you in the mood, do it often, share it with your partner, whatever it takes to enjoy yourself.
*Identify and work out issues with your body image – The better you feel about your body, the more likely you are to enjoy sex. This may require getting a gym membership or scheduling counseling.
*Initiate sex, even if you're not in the mood – By taking the reigns, you take control of the situation, which can be a major turn-on for you. You don't even have to go all the way. Oral sex or even manual stimulation will make your partner equally grateful, and can rev up your own lagging libido.
*Fantasize – Let your body and mind get in the mood without the pressure of having to perform or please someone else. Find a fun vibrator or other toy help you enjoy your alone time. The more you exercise your libido, the healthier it'll become.
Problem 4: "He doesn't want it as much as I do"
Biology has set us up for a cruel trick: as we age, a woman's sex drive goes up while a man's libido starts to fall behind. While many women fear this is because they have become less appealing to their partners, in most cases, this couldn't be further from the truth. Here are some things you can do to help yourself out:
*Masturbate – When you need to take the edge off, close the door, turn on some music, and spend some quality time with your favorite rabbit vibrator.
*Make sure it's sex you're after – Identify whether you're actually craving sex, or if you're looking for love, intimacy, affection, or a stress-reducer. There are other ways of receiving these without depending on sex.
*Know your partner's appetites – Learn what turns him on and off. Explore all the options of the things they enjoy, broaden your repertoire of sexual knowledge, and be sure to mix it up. A simple sex swing can make your sex lives seem brand new again.
*Utilize the quickie – Sex doesn't always have to be an hour-long excursion. Use lots of lubricant and make the most of whatever time you have.
Take an active role in improving your sexual happiness, and you'll find that you both benefit. Life changes over time, and your wants and needs will forwever be fluctuating, so be sure to communicate, work through whatever issues you may have together, and don't be afraid to try new things. Satisfaction comes to those who work at it!
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Beautiful breeze, romantic music, champagne, delicious dinner, gorgeous partner, long gazes, shy shrug, looks like love is in the air and that the night is going to blossom with amazing lovemaking. Wait, something is not right, or let’s just say something is not tight.
This is an imaginative yet a familiar scenario for a lot of people suffering from erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction or ED is a medical problem where a person is unable to achieve or sustain normal erection, consequently leading to impotence. In other words, ED marks the end of a dream and the beginning of a nightmare as sex plays a vital role in a healthy relationship.
Sex has a lot of dimensions. Apart from procreation, sex is a gateway that leads a relationship to a deeper level. It is a medium by which couples bond emotionally and physically by getting closer to each other. On the other hand inadequate love making can lead to sexual dysfunction. And ED is one of the causes for it.
ED is commonly observed in men above forty. It is a condition caused mainly by inadequate blood flow to the penis or nerve damage. Besides, there are also other medical, psychological and external factors that cause this problem.
So does ED mark the end? No romance for ever? Not too long ago, the answer would have been a disappointing yes. But thankfully, today, the spark can be brought back.
Open your eyes to Cialis. In fact, give it a standing ovation!
Cialis and generic Cialis are the answer for all men battling ED. Moreover, Cialis lets lovemaking remain an art as it has been clinically proven to last up to 36 hours and work as quickly as 30 minutes (Cialis.com). Hence with Cialis, lovemaking doesn’t have to be rushed or mechanically planned. It becomes natural.
Though Cialis is a wonder drug, it is not for everyone. Prior to using Cialis, consulting a doctor is mandatory. It must be noted that people under medication and those taking nitrates should absolutely avoid Cialis as it may cause a sudden and unsafe drop in blood pressure. Nonetheless, Cialis is the best way to a new life. And with a clean medical record and proper consultation, it should not be a problem for men suffering from ED to enjoy sex and a fulfilling relationship.
To sum it up, sex is a gift of life for making new life. Apart from that, it is also a bridge that connects two people together. Losing the ability to have intercourse because of ED generates mental trauma and frustration. Thankfully, through a medical breakthrough called Cialis, this can be remedied. But love making also carries with it certain responsibilities. Therefore, it is wise to maintain good sexual health by practicing safe sex. Don’t wait! Revitalize your life again.
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Anyone can become enraged once in a while. But if you feel rage boiling within almost constantly, or rage erupts from you frequently, you may have an organic illness.
On the other hand, you might have suffered some terrible injustice as a child.
One major, but largely ignored, category of such abuse is that of boys emotionally, physically, or sexually damaged by women.
This abuse is not only widespread but may be at the root of much subsequent abuse of women by men.
A little boy abused by a woman suffers in similar ways to a little girl abused by a man.
In recent times it has become acceptable for women to speak out about the abuse they suffered as children; most men feel no such permission is given to them about the abuse they suffered as little boys at the hands of women. These men are ashamed, and enraged.
They are enraged because society accepts that men can be angry but there is less acceptance for the male victims' feelings of hurt, fear, inadequacy, guilt, embarrassment, and especially weakness and vulnerability.
A male victim smothers these emotions with anger. In this way, he preserves his masculine image. But the cost is enormous.
A man unaware of the deep sources of his anger will, at the least, have troubled relationships with women; at the worst, he may rape and mutilate.
A male victim of childhood sexual abuse by women displays the following behavior as an adult:
>> Distrust of women.
>> Fear of intimacy.
>> No separate identity.
>> Readily feels guilt.
>> Hard time to accept compliments.
>> Holds back emotions.
>> Protects abuser(s).
>> Sexual difficulties.
>> Seeks abuser's approval.
>> Constantly apologises.
>> Fearful.
>> Eager to care for others.
>> Joyless. (Adapted from Blanchard, 1987*)
The lousy feelings often erupt as rage. Ronald sought professional help to change his vicious behavior toward his wife, Helen.
Ronald would arrive home disgruntled after a disappointing day (every day was disappointing) in the architectural office where he worked, and an hour's drive to the suburb.
Before long, he would be kicking Helen. There was always some pretext for the kicks. (Helen did not have supper ready, or she was on the phone, or she wore a dress he hated...). Ronald never used his fists. Always his legs. He despaired of his uncontrollable rage because he believed that “Helen was the best thing that had ever happened to me.”
As Ronald talked more about his life, his hostility to almost everyone became evident. He was jealous of his brothers, sneered at their choices of wives, hated his job where he felt put upon, especially by female colleagues.
When Ronald spoke about his mother, he whined. Long stories of how she favored one or other of his brothers, how he cringed in her presence, how he avoided visits to her house yet was jealous of her contacts with his siblings. Ronald was convinced his mother preferred one of his nephews, adding bitterly, “Though my son was the first grandchild.”
Hypnotherapy Heals the Hurt and the Rage
Within the comfort of hypnosis Ronald was able to connect his present-day woes with unpleasant incidents in his childhood.
This was accomplished with what hypnotherapists call an “affect link.” You allow yourself to feel a particular emotion, such as grief. As you continue to experience the feeling, the hypnotherapist asks you to recall an earlier time when you felt the same way. Ronald's confused mix of bitterness, rage and sense of abandonment, swiftly drew up a memory of his mother:
“I'm six years old. Mummy keeps telling me I'm her favorite. She tells me to come into her bed. It's warm there. I fall asleep, snuggled beside her. I wake up. She's moving my leg up and down over this hairy place between her legs. She's breathing funny. I'm scared. [Sobs]. She opens her eyes a little and tells me it's okay. My knee is wet. I try to pull away but she holds onto me, tells me to be a good boy, do this for Mummy. She seems out of breath. I'm scared. Then she shakes and cries out. I'm even more scared and I feel bad, like something's really wrong. I ask Mummy if she's all right. She turns to me with a big smile, hugs me and says I'm her little man and everything is fine. [More sobs, reddening of face].
“But everything is not fine. I don't understand. Mummy tells me this will be our special secret. She seems happy. And she likes me best. So I keep quiet. And whenever she asks me I let her use my leg to rub her where she wants. [Later Ronald described other sexual activity his mother initiated]. I begin to like it, too. When I get old enough to have an erection, Mummy plays with my penis. I really like that. But at the same time it feels kind of weird. This stuff went on till I was eleven. I found out at school what sex was supposed to be, and how bad it was what Mummy and me had been doing. I felt sick.”
With psychotherapy while he relaxed in hypnosis, Ronald made some progress toward a healthier life, and control of his rage.
Unfortunately, his wife sabotaged the treatment. Ronald, like many sexually abused victims, had (unconsciously) sought out a woman who would continue the abuse he had suffered as a child.
Helen had made no secret of her broad sexual experience prior to meeting Ronald; indeed, she was proud of it. But her knowledge of the carnal world and his relative innocence (sex with only one woman: his mother) repeated the power pattern Ronald had suffered as a boy.
When Helen saw that Ronald was learning to control his rage, to lessen his hostile attitude and to relax, she counterattacked. Helen had married Ronald because (unconsciously) she wanted a man she could dominate and despise. His therapy threatened to upset the delicate dance of danger they had created.
Ronald was swiftly reduced to a sniveling, angry puppet when Helen sneered at his progress and repeatedly reminded him of what a Mummy's boy he had been.
A final blow bounced Ronald out of therapy: Helen telephoned the therapist, discussed Ronald's history, and insisted the therapist not mention her call to Ronald. The following week Helen casually mentioned to Ronald something the therapist had said to her. Ronald felt betrayed [he was] and never returned to therapy.
You may be doing very well with hypnotherapy when a friend or relative sabotages your progress. This is not usually as dramatic or underhanded as Helen's behavior. The disruption comes in the form of doubt. Your friend may question the effectiveness of hypnosis, and cite the many hypnosis myths that still pollute our minds.
Once doubt is planted, hypnosis ends. Doubt and fear keep us from relaxation. And relaxation is the route into hypnotherapy.
Dennis, like Ronald, suffered fits of rage. Unlike Ronald, Dennis took these fits out on himself. He would tremble, and shake, and sweat and fear he was about to pass out. Dennis knew his ambition to become a police officer would never be realized unless he got over these fits. Like Ronald, he had troubled relationships with women.
Unlike Ronald, Dennis had slept with dozens of women. All his longer-term relationships collapsed over an aspect of jealousy, his or hers. Didn't matter. Dennis could not trust a woman.
Dennis deliberately sought out a male psychotherapist who sometimes used hypnosis. But so scared was Dennis of going into hypnosis, that he spent several sessions in traditional psychotherapy before he had plucked up enough courage to try hypnosis.
Mothers Are Not The Only Women Who Abuse Little Boys
As far as Dennis knew, he had not been molested by his mother. Actually, he was not even sure who his biological mother was. He had been born into a large, extended criminal family. He had lived in seven different homes by the time he was five. All but one were homes of his aunts, cousins or siblings. He got used to calling each aunt in turn “mother.” The woman listed on his birth certificate showed no more, and no less, maternal interest in Dennis than did any of her sisters who raised him.
From as far back as he could remember, Dennis had been abused: abandoned, ignored, ill-fed, beaten, locked in a closet.
The therapist helped Dennis sort out the multitude of feelings that swirled within him.
Finally, Dennis said he was ready to try hypnosis. He was still frightened, despite the therapist's explanations about the safety of the process. But it was not hypnosis itself that Dennis feared; it was what might be uncovered.
In one way, he was right to be wary. But what was uncovered, awful as it was, freed Dennis from the last symbolic chains that linked him to his abusive family and their criminal ways.
In hypnosis, Dennis traced his attacks of trembling to some disgusting sexual behavior of one of his aunts when he was about four. What she had done to him and with him amounted to torture. It had been so horrible he had repressed the details for years, though “I knew something had happened; I just didn't know what.”
Now that he knew what lay at the root of his rage and his attacks, Dennis was able to let go of them. He felt forgiveness for his aunt because he knew of her own dreadful background. It was as if to know what she had done liberated Dennis from any lingering loyalty to his criminal relatives (all of whom were involved in drug deals, prostitution, extortion, etc.).
Now Dennis felt fully comfortable with his decision to apply to the local police training college.
*Blanchard, Geral. (1987). Male Victims of Child Sexual Abuse: A Portent of Things to Come, Journal of Independent Social Work, 1-1, 19-27.
